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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/24487114">I've never written anything like this again (speaking from 2020)</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/Krey9J/pseuds/Krey9J'>Krey9J</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>None - Fandom, Personal - Fandom</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Failed Relationship, Love Letters, Other, no edit I die like this, personal, real</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-06-01</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-06-01</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-04 04:08:42</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Not Rated</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>1,948</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/24487114</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/Krey9J/pseuds/Krey9J</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>This was a love letter. It was an apology. It was a wish. All these were real.<br/>Failure was also its reality.</p><p>Why would I shared something so personal online? Simply last night I went through my folders, stumbled on a doc file called "My Dear 2016 xmas", read it, cried and was fucking impressed with myself for going all out like that, which I haven't done ever since. I don't want to just delete this memory from myself so i thought let's just archive it online. Nothing is being revealed anyway. Only myself and my feelings back then.</p><p>I pasted what I wrote here, no edit. Except for one part at the end that was omitted.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Failed - Relationship, None</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>6</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>I've never written anything like this again (speaking from 2020)</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>My dear,</p><p>First of this mail is about Christmas, to wish you Merry Christmas and Happy New Year.</p><p>Secondly it is “About you”.</p><p>The rest would be about me and how 2016 is going down as the most emotional year of my life.</p><p>Everything written here, is real, these are all from myself. I took the time I need to write these down. Please, trust me, I’m hoping you would, please, I need this.</p><p> </p><p>*** The holiday season this year, to me, is fresh. I did something I didn’t really do before: I buy presents for people. Now as I have no close friend, my receivers are those I rarely meet, or actually haven’t met at all. They don’t have to fall in any category to get the presents, they just need to be able to read English. Fahasa Tân Định, my favourite store in town has been offering end-of-years sales for books in English language. I had this idea to ask for their preferences and I’ll choose the books myself, let it be a surprise. I chose 2 different xmas theme gift wrappers, one is bright and blue and white while one is dark and red and black and had so much fun wrapping, I literally do different styles to every single present. Now I’m trying to get all of them delivered. You got a present too, but not a book. I prepared yours a month ago, I’m so glad it came out, not perfect tho, beautifully. I’m also glad you’re enjoying your holiday season, I guess you first snow experience is warm-hearted to you. Merry Christmas my dear, may the holiday’s magic be with you.</p><p> </p><p>*** Thru Rin’s words I hope that you are feeling good right now. You know, the messy brutal stuff that’s been going all over the net, the non-white people got beat up and insulted, I know it’s not actually happening in all parts of the US, but I can’t help not getting worried for you, so it’s a blessing you didn’t encounter those bad things. I guess these lucky charms on my neck’s working alright. Seeing you grow physically and mentally, my admiration of you just keep going on forever. You, now you can actually state these words with pride: ‘Life is an adventure’. As you do not take yourself lightly and would not let anybody do that to you, your story has become bold, your strong state of mind now encouraging other people. This is definitely not an over-statement, you are doing your best. This positive way of life is the direction to go with, keep it up! You’re a good planner, as you goal now is to get upcoming stuffs done and support yourself more, yes it is practical and would solidify your future intentions. I trust what you’re doing and willing to do. Just always stay healthy. Oh and you most recent art style really has started to speaks more about who you are. They give out the “Aoi’s” feeling. Plus, those red noses are just adorable.</p><p>*** 2016, definitely a year to write it on my arms. Emotional at its best. Tho I went to college, this year feels like a gap year to me. You know, it’s the year when people don’t let themselves get caught up in academic or professional stuffs, to focus more on themselves. I used this year to think and feel myself thoroughly. The first half of it was reckless and about “letting myself go”, I became an air head,  it wasn’t a good period to be honest, but without it the rest of the year wouldn’t become so significant to me. That day near the end of July, the day I was cut off from you, gosh, it truly was a struck straight to my heart. Electrified, then burned and devastated as I felt, I rolled around the mattress with my reddish eyes and dried out breath. I’m sorry. I’m sorry for sounding much like a douche bad. I was so over-joyed it was the first time I finished a digital piece, I totally forgot we were in unpleasant terms to each other. I don’t blame you to take my innocent creation as a mocking. Yes I deserved every punch. But I don’t actually regret it, I mean it really feels like the old days when I would hand out papers containing drawings to you, regardless of how dumb they were .</p><p>However, that is also something I need you to get right. Months before that day I’ve gradually made up my mind, about what I wanna do to my relationships. I just found out how my mind and heart really work: I felt it, holding my chest tightly, but I wouldn’t recognize or accept it in my mind. This is the worst thing of me going on for years, why the fuck I am so slow to understand how I actually feel and why do I have to make so many wrong decisions first before I make one right. Tho, I’m glad when my mind and heart are in sync, I make the best decisions yet and I stick to them hard.</p><p>The details are, when you were away, I missed you like, mad. I missed you before I even realized that I’m missing you. But everytime I saw your green chat availability came up (on FB) I hold back the urge to speak to you, I was so afraid of being cut off. I really shouldn’t have. Then, at the end of July I saw a class on digital painting for newbies at a place really near my house that’ll be starting in the beginning of August and wanted to enroll. I had this hype for it and wanted to tell you but I started the talk with that jerk-like piece, so in the end I did get cut off. But for real, your words always inspired me. Your word defines me precisely, I genuinely took it as an identity for myself, not knowing that action was mocking you.</p><p>I did enrolled in that class, not really satisfied tho. The class is in 12 days, 2 hours long each day, but the teacher took 2 days off and didn’t offer compensational days, gosh those were the 2 most important days – the material study days. Well, in the end, what I got out of this class is the inspiration to get back to drawing and at least know about the function of photoshop. The class itself wasn’t a bad experience, it was just not good enough, but there was an extremely pleasant thing that happened when I went there. It was an occurrence, with my favourite lady who I have not been contacting for months – I planned to but didn’t have her phone number to call her, I met Mẹ Thu. Yes, your mother, that’s how I address her in my phone book. Turned out the place where this company rented its 3<sup>rd</sup> floor to open art classes is your mother work place. Seriously, it was nearly 6 P.M when I flew in the place and with just a single glance I immediately who she was, standing at her motorbike and about to leave the place. I called out to her, she also knew it was me right away. She talked about how determined and hard-working you are. The rest of the day, I had this huge grin on my face, I was so overjoyed. I did meet her about 2 more times, just like that. Now I had her number and waiting for her to schedule a day so I can visit in Tết. Reunion with your mother, my spiritual mother, was the first best the to happen in the later half of the year.</p><p>Later on, in September, in one afternoon, at a coffee shop, I broke it off with him. I told him how my heart no longer with him, he understood. He was not that clingy to me anyway. He liked me, but not enough to hold onto me. We resolved we would not be in bad terms, things were meant to happened that way, now we sometimes chat on FB, about brave frontier and pokemon.</p><p>The latest and the best thing that happened, to helped save the entire year, is Yuri!!! On Ice. For the longest time I didn’t watch any anime, when it first came out I don’t even know, but everything exploded on FB when ep 7 aired, so I decided to give it a try. Truly the best anime of 2016, if not the best in years, the most emotional and easy to relate one yet, and the most accurate one to portray a relationship. Every episode, literally every ep of it, is impressive. This is the first time I didn’t just enjoy something, but I let it consume me, be part of this fandom. I told this to Rin who also watched it and she congratulated me on finding the trash where I belong. She was a great help to sooth my feeling by being kind and fun to talk to. I appreciated what she’s done for you, too.</p><p>Why is Yuri on ice important you might wonder, it helps concrete who I am, like how Adventure time did to you. It triggers all these emotions in me, I mean I already had and trying to execute them so Yuri on ice makes me believe in them more. Victuuri is definitely the kind of relationship goal I wish for. I’m holding on to something to you, I’m doing it and I will be always doing it.</p><p>Of course, not only did the good things happened, the baddies and disappointment also did. However, I decided these should not be presented in this mail, I’ll get on them in another one.</p><p> </p><p>*** Here comes the big closure. I’m hoping you’re still reading.</p><p>Let me be loud and clear:</p><p>I love you.</p><p> </p><p>I wish to be in a relationship based on mutual understanding and trust, I know that’s also what you wish for. Here, I am both feeling and thinking about it. I found both passion and love in you. When I live thinking of you, I do the best things, both to myself and others, as I like this feeling of kindness overflowing in me, because you’d also do these affectionate things to those you love. You know well that, I don’t dream at night, but these days I have been dreaming of us. What we’d do when we meet again. I do realize these dreams, tho both bitter and sweet, are what I’m really hoping to happen in my life.</p><p>Please, this time, I’m starting all over. I acted like I let the past go because I actually want a fresh start, not that I forgot I about everything. I never forget the times we sat looking at Tanpopo while I’m secretly looking at the mole on you chest. And the only date we’ve ever had, running around hand in hand after tasting chocolate, and the most deliciously pasta your mother made for lunch, those vivid sights I won’t allow myself to have them faded. Plus there is no other cookies in the world that taste like yours. (I’m still keeping that square plastic box at home in the cupboard, oopss!!) It just that, you can’t mend a relationship this broken. A new starting point is what needed. 2016, you started you new life, I started to do things differently, really marks that point.</p><p> </p><p>[THERE'S 159 WORDS MORE HERE BUT I FEEL TERRIBLY VULNERABLE AND STUPID WITH THESE PARAGRAPHS SO, OMITTING THEM, SORRY. Please understand]</p><p> </p><p>- Signed with Love and Sealed with a Kiss –</p><p>K., 2016</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>I'm being honest for real so that part in [ ], please understand.</p></blockquote></div></div>
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